There are some crazy people on YouTube. I mean really crazy, not just goofy like these 20 Gay Animals or these 10 Worst People To Sit Next To On An Airplane. While I would NEVER accuse anyone of anything (especially because our lawyer reads all of these posts), I can write/dream/make-up that these bizarro YouTubers, may just be so weird that have made it to a very special FBI Watch List. If there was such a list (and I’m not saying there is), here is what I would imagine (again, completely made up, please don’t sue us), what their files would look like. Again, this is all in my overactive imagination. Please don’t press charges. I would never make in prison. I have soft hands.
12. CASE #489897-T: ROT
EXHIBIT A:
Subject is depicted dancing around to a cover/remix edition of U2’s “Where the Streets Have No Name” while displaying his collection of old Neo Geo games.
PROFILE: Subject appears to be living in some sort of attic or crawlspace. No visible point of entry nor view from the street. Brick foundation may also make room potentially soundproof. Living space is filthy, possibly condemned. May not be a temporary or official place of residence; fecund surroundings indicates original owner may have died/been buried there. Potential for use as torture room.
I am concerned that Rot’s idiosyncratic tendencies will grow more extreme over time. Today, he’s dancing with Neo Geo games. Can the TurboGrafix system be all that far behind? By the time he’s moved to the Sega Dreamcast, he will likely be too far gone to help.
SERIAL KILLER POTENTIAL: Significant
RECOMMENDATION: Solitary confinement without access to outdated video game technology for a period of no less than 6 months, coupled with samba lessons.
11. CASE #890897-FQ: ZIPSTER (AKA “LOCO MAMA”)
EXHIBIT A:
Subject chants to himself about a handmade undergarment composed of Smarties.
PROFILE: A clear-cut case of dissociative identity disorder (also known as “split personality disorder”). The subject, named Zipster, has invented the alternate identity of “Loco Mama” in order to better cope with a traumatic past event. Possibly involving a torment associated with his mother or caretaker’s bra? (Zipster may have been found with said bra in his mouth, only to be punished? Perhaps forced to cross dress or degrade self in front of others?)
“Mama” does not appear to be a violent personality, though her fixation with the aforementioned edible undergarment appears intense enough to potentially incite a psychotic break.
SERIAL KILLER POTENTIAL: Unlikely
RECOMMENDATION: Repression of “Loco Mama” personality via therapy. Replacement of “candy bra” with more conventional apparel.
10. CASE #98789274-ORLY: LIL’ J
EXHIBIT A:
Subject verbally insults and threatens violence against unseen, unidentified, most likely imaginary entity.
PROFILE: Subject is aggressive, hostile and exceedingly paranoid. Appears to suffer from schizophrenia or some other delusional disorder, coupled with sociopathy. Outdated gangsta rap jargon and references to MySpace indicate that subject is living in another time, possibly the mid-’90s, and may not understand who or where she is.
As well, intra-social and racial animosity indicate subject suffers from extreme alienation from society. Droopy eyelids and pale complexion may point to agoraphobia; it is likely subject has remained home bound for an excessive period of time, even when compared to other heavy users of social media sevices and websites.
SERIAL KILLER POTENTIAL: A virtual certainty.
RECOMMENDATIONS: If captured, treat with anti-psychotics, beginning with Haldol. Do not confront single-handed. If seen committing a violent act or armed with a weapon, shoot to kill.
9. CASE 13407345-ICU: CHEECHVOVO
EXHIBIT A:
Subject’s video features the track “Open Up Your Heart and Let the Sunshine In” as performed by Pebbles and Bam-Bam on the TV series “The Flintstones,” behind a montage of supposedly “cute” imagery.
PROFILE: The creator of this montage is quite clearly emotionally disturbed, although the specific nature of his or her illness remains ambiguous. Most of the videos, referred to in the subject’s written abstract as “cute,” are, in fact, monstrous, and the entire collection taken together could only be the work of a deeply troubled individual.
Subject is fascinated and appalled simultaneously by oversized eyes. May seek to injure the ocular cavity, or remove eyes altogether, from victims, and possibly fixates on exhibitionism. Likely prefers “being watched” while going about fetishized or violent behavior.
SERIAL KILLER POTENTIAL: Likely.
RECOMMENDATIONS: Whatever you choose to do, leave me the hell out of it. Yikes.
8. CASE 438711046-ICK: ROB PETERS
EXHIBIT A:
Subject, a submissive, has made a video on orders from a dominatrix known only as “Mistress Rachel,” in which he parades before a camera in a pink t-shirt and diaper.
PROFILE: Subject may be the individual responsible for what have come to be known as “The WTF Murders,” in which victims are forced to view videos so degrading the common sense and decency, they literally die of embarrassment. Unfortunately, the indirect nature of the homicides makes prosecution more difficult. If half-remembered “Law and Order: SVU” re-runs are an accurate guide to the inner workings of the US judicial system – and we all know that they are – the ADA could pursue Manslaughter charges at best.
SERIAL KILLER POTENTIAL: High
RECOMMENDATIONS: Change diaper no less than once every 6 hours. Nap time is promptly at 3 pm. No food after 10 or he’ll be cranky all night.
7. CASE 8976349679-OG: JONATHAN MANN (AKA THEROCKCOOKIEBOTTOM)
EXHIBIT A:
Subject, perhaps on the advice of a well-meaning but misguided mental health professional, composes and performs a song each day. In this entry, subject sings about the search engine, Microsoft Bing. However, the song proves nonsensical upon closer inspection, as none of the suggested terms actually produce coherent results on the search engine itself.
PROFILE:
Subject demonstrates signs of obsessive-compulsive disorder coupled with an inability to read social cues. For whom is he dedicating these songs? The few hundred people who happen upon them each day accidentally? Possibly he means to use them to taunt the police, whom he believes are not smart enough to catch him?
This particular video is quite troubling, and may have been intended as something to distract victims while vivisection equipment were being cleansed and prepared.
SERIAL KILLER POTENTIAL: Considerable
RECOMMENDATIONS: Praise individual songs while suggesting other, more productive creative outlets, such as macrame or cutting.
6. CASE 233890608973-ONO: RICKY
EXHIBIT A:
Video originally sent to subject’s ex-girlfriend has been provided to authorities. Girlfriend is thankfully in protective custody. Subject’s whereabouts are unknown.
PROFILE: Subject’s piercing stare, vaguely threatening demeanor and ludicrous stubbly goatee are all highly troubling, and appear to be the result of a twisted, addled psyche. Subject may give further clues about identity, whereabouts and intentions, but I couldn’t hear everything he said while hiding under my desk.
SERIAL KILLER POTENTIAL: Gein + Bundy with a side of Vincent D’Onofrio from “The Cell.”
RECOMMENDATIONS: RUN!
5. CASE 5962694897364-ICP: JOKERS SMILE
EXHIBIT A:
An unfortunate result of either brainwashing or significant time spent in a cult environment, Jokers Smile believes himself to be a member of a society known as “Juggalos.” Herein, he presents an argument for disallowing unnamed individuals from joining his “family.”
PROFILE A total lack of self-worth has led the subject to hide his face behind make-up and seek the approval of others who similarly self-identify as “outsiders.” Obsession over the composition of the group referred to as “Juggalos,” and the rules associated with group membership, indicate to me that this organization did, at some point, exist. (NOTE: Remember to look up if the subject has been housed at any state-run psychiatric facility with enough other patients to form a club dedicated to drug use, fighting and execrable suburban hip hop. Perhaps we will find more unfortunates infected by the spontaneous outburst of “Juggaloism”?)
SERIAL KILLER POTENTIAL: Mild but present
RECOMMENDATIONS: 72-hour PBR and paint thinner fume detox. Once sobriety has been achieved, point out how badly Insane Clown Posse sucks. May be able to jolt subject back to reality.
4. CASE 156789325498-DA: JAMIELS
EXHIBIT A:
This is not actually a scene taken from “Silence of the Lambs.” I triple checked. A man wears a skin-tight black body suit, a wig and a mask of a woman’s face while performing dance moves.
PROFILE:
Picture your worst nightmare. Now imagine you ate a quarter-ounce of mushrooms and three large pepperoni pizzas before going to sleep, and that when you woke up with a start, you found your crazy uncle sitting at the foot of the bed with no clothes on and sharpening a hunting knife. That’s pretty much what we’ve got going on here.
SERIAL KILLER POTENTIAL: A co-ed with multiple bruises has been handcuffed to a wall in a dank, subterranean room where the only light is being given off by this video playing on a 24 hour loop. This much, I can promise you. We just have to find her before it’s too late.
RECOMMENDATIONS: Just put the lotion in the freaking basket!
3. CASE 497883569926-OY: EDAREM
EXHIBIT A:
An old man twice lip synchs the theme from “Walker Texas Ranger.” To be fair, he does get a bit better at it the second time.
PROFILE:
Contrary to other reports I’ve read from colleagues, Edarem strikes me as a danger only to himself. Television viewing and lip synching are a largely positive outlet for his manic tendencies, and may serve to cheer him during the inevitable crash and depressive phrase.
As well, his advanced age doesn’t fit the profile for a serial murderer, but did inspire his inclusion in my archived dossier collection: “17 YouTubers Who May Hold Up An Entire Supermarket Line for 20 Minutes Searching Their Pockets for a Buy 4 Get 1 Free Campbell’s Soup Coupon.”
SERIAL KILLER POTENTIAL: Low
RECOMMENDATIONS: Twice-yearly check-ups for dementia, vocal coaching to ease the transition from lip synch to karaoke and a referral to a good orthodontic surgeon.
2. CASE 8936876089073-T: STEVE SUTTON
EXHIBIT A:
Sutton shows us how to make his patent-pending home-brewed iced tea. He then eats pieces of his neighbor’s brains that have been dipped in molten cheese, like a fondue. (This isn’t in the video…I just assume that’s what came next…)
PROFILE:
Sutton’s labored speech and awkward body language indicate that he may have already sought treatment from mental health professionals, possibly including but not limited to shock therapy and/or other experimental procedures.
The kitchen in which he makes his iced tea is organized and well-appointed, hinting that this may in fact be the kitchen of one of his victim’s, who has been hog-tied in the next room and forced to learn proper iced-tea procedure at the feet of the so-called “master.” One assumes that making this iced tea in Sutton’s own kitchen would be considerably more challenging, what with all the human femur bones and composition books filled front to back with insane gibberish lying about.
SERIAL KILLER POTENTIAL: Hillside Strangler-iffic!
RECOMMENDATIONS: Don’t drink the iced tea, man. You don’t know where that iced tea has been.
1. CASE 8979364906783-LT: YOGI OKI-DOKI
EXHIBIT A:
In this file footage, we see Yogi Oki Doki abscond to his private farm with a fleet of unsuspecting youngsters, where he uses them in horrifying, sadistic rituals far from the prying eyes of any of their guardians or Child Protective Services. WARNING: This footage is extremely troubling and recommended only for hardened agents.
PROFILE:
Oki-Doki and his associates, members of the “Furry” fetish community dressed as a cow and rooster, respectively, seem to have worked out every detail of their sick, frenzied attack on all that is decent in advance, leading the children into a variety of suggestive poses before getting down into the actual…well, I’ll let you watch for yourself…It’s just too horrible to describe.
We’re through the looking glass here people. All I ask is that you not let your disgust with this man and all that he stands for cloud the real issue here…the safety and welfare of these kids.
SERIAL KILLER POTENTIAL: Um, do I have to paint you a police sketch! Just go get him!
RECOMMENDATIONS: First, take out that Rooster, just to let Oki-Doki know you mean business. Then, in the chaos that ensues, get as many of the kids as possible to safety. Oh, and remember to breathe.
For more YouTube creepiness, check out the 20 Drunkest Animals On YouTube and 20 Videos Of Animals Attacking People On YouTube.
Posted by Lon Harris, who is the creator and co-host of “This Week In YouTube.” Neighbors describe him as a shy quiet man, who largely keeps to himself.
